"If I Die Before I Wake..."

If I kick it in an automobile crash, do not leave flowers or wreaths or heaven forbid, my picture at the accident scene. Once I leave my body, I'm not going to be hanging around to see who shows up with prezies. And I don't want to cause another crash due to galkers. Just speed up to honor me.

Do not write sappy poetry on the anniversary of my pail kicking and print it in the classifieds. I'm going to be too busy to read the want adds where ever I am.

Stop by my house once and a while when my husband is not there to scare him for me. Leave one of my "Monty Python" movies playing in the DVD player. Write messesages in the dust from me. Things like, "Keep on the sunny side of life", from "Life of Brian." Or just plain "Boo".

Write my obituary unplugged. Do not write that I passed peacefully in my sleep, or was taken unexpectedly. "Munkay choked to death on chippies and bean dip in her recliner on Wednesday" will do, or "She bit it while hurling javelins at her neibhor's propane tank on Friday last. Some of us might miss her. Most are relieved."

Funeral. No. A nice dinner. Yes.

Burn me. Burn me immediately. Let no stranger wash me and pump anything into my corpse. No one is going to do my hair when I am gone. Give me too science for experiments, yes. Then burn me. In fact, I may start carrying matches myself in case I feel peckish.

I'm not going to leave a will. If you want something of mine, come right over and get it. Need directions? Just look for the big bon fire.